What order of madness is this????!!!

Dodged

2008-03-18T04:48:53Z

I almost shot myself in the face with my father's gun.

My father taught me how to shoot guns at a very young age.
We'd go to the firing range--
I'd use his collapsible rifle,
when I was ten, he bought me one of my own
He said I was "a natural."

If he only knew.

He let me shoot his 357 once--
scared the shit out of me.
I remember being shocked by the kick on that thing--
tried hard to hide my tears
in front of the other men.

I was amazed that Dad could handle the kick;
so loud.
So strong.
He must have been used to it.

He used to tell me over and over:
"Jenn, you can't call back a bullet."
and:
"Someday, all these guns will belong to you.

He was right about so much-
I thought he knew everything.

So when I almost shot myself:
I was playing with Dad's guns.
I was old enough to know they weren't mine to play with;
dumb enough to do it anyway.

I opened up the case where he kept them
he never really hid them from me or my sister
and my mother had always known.
(Secret only to everyone outside of the family).

And I took them outside
Fired off a few rounds--
into some useless objects at first;
the ground,
a piece of wood,
an old rag-doll that only looked like me.

It seemed important at the time
to familiarize myself with the weapon-
to become accustomed to its kick
like Dad was
So I wouldn't cry anymore in front of grown men.

Then I became brave.

I started firing off rounds into more important shit:
Brand-new roller skates,
a notebook where I wrote important things.
my shoe.

I started having "accidents."
I'd shoot the thing off into the sky

for no reason at all.

I grazed my skin a few times-
even have scars to prove it.

Then I shot you.

I didn't even realize it at first.
I popped off a few into your leg,
your arm,
your chest.

Then I turned the gun on myself.

I pulled the trigger...and nothing happened.
Finally out of bullets.

And I realized what I'd almost done;
saw you lying there,
and I put the guns back.

"These are your guns, Dad."

I don't want them.

Still do...

2008-02-14T08:28:51Z

Your bean-bag monkey stares at me from atop a stack of Happy Hardcore CDs
I still can't believe I'm sitting in this chair,
sitting in this chair,

sitting in this chair.

It never mattered where I was;
I could always smell your pomade on my clothes,
kept your worn shirts in a ziploc bag hidden in the closet where he couldn't see.

Not that he ever looked.

And I would crawl into the dark--
hide in small places and hold you.

(You never knew)

A scared, little girl, so far from home,
choking on stale bread I continued to force-feed myself.

If we had a rewind button--a chance to reclaim time wasted...
If it were as easy as photoshop
as a text-editor
what would you delete?

Could you blur the edges to make it fit?

Maybe this is our chance--
this is our rewind
Our one shot.

Because against all the odds,
here I am,

Sitting in this chair.

Even still...

2007-11-07T21:56:16Z

The happiest I have ever been in my entire life was the summer of 2001 in Phoenix, AZ.

Driving 95 MPH in my Civic EX Coupe on Loop 101, stereo blasting The Pixies, top and windows open, AC full-on to counteract the heat...

That was before the world fell apart.

Happy Independance Day!

2007-07-04T21:43:08Z

                                                          Frylock: All commercial flights
                                                          Master Shake: Everything else

Happy Canada Day!

2007-07-01T12:48:42Z

Thing I wrote about...stuff (reposted shite from miix.com)

2007-07-01T11:49:17Z

A person can survive almost anything--even loss becomes a relative thing after enough time.

Horrors melt and become less horrible, the mind forgets.

So why do I fear future regret? Why do I weigh things as I do--with an eye towards the sense of loss I *might* feel at some future, unknown date? Why don't I just live for today?

Somewhere along the line, I've learned not to bother "reaching for the stars," because the stars can only hurt you when they inevitably shy from your touch. It's gotten so that I don't even know what I want anymore; I've learned to look at everything as temporary--as disposable. I'm attached to everything and nothing at the same time because what I want, I covet and what I have; I pretty much assume that it's going away and I spend all my time/energy in fear of and in preparation for that eventuality.

I sometimes mourn the loss of dreams I never even tried to realize, and I never tried to realize those dreams because I was afraid I'd fail and mourn the loss plus the losses incurred by trying.

So life has become a lusterless glob of moving from one impulse to the next. I am operating with a mind no better than that of an animal's.

So how to enlighten?
How do I break this conditioning?
Pavlov's dogs can no more control their impulse to salivate when they hear the bell than they can control their need to breathe air. I'm trying to undo 30 years of classical conditioning that started with my father when I was very young ("Don't bother, Don't waste your breath, Be realistic, Enough with these crazy, bullshit plans of yours, Stupid.") and ended with me carrying on the tradition ("It'll never work, you'll get into trouble, Yr going to mess something up, You'll lose money, You'll get *hurt."). So how does one break that? I'm working against myself here because even the breaking of that habit has become a fearsome task, subject to its own logic; like a snake eating its tail (You can't do it, it's been too long, don't even bother). All I want to do is quit and go to sleep and not value anything until it's time for me to go into a box.

What am I trying to say here?
I just needed to put this rambling somewhere before I let it too, slip from my head and become part of the blob.

Drag

2007-06-30T03:30:26Z

It'd be awesome if a huge bolt of fucking kharmic lightening or some shit would come down from the sky and fuck some shit up.

Shit just keeps dragging on. Stuff breaks but nothing really changes, you know? Sometimes I wish for everything to be destroyed utterly just so I could feel some sense of permanence.

Then I freak out because of that whole "be careful what you wish for" thing that kicks in.

(No whammies!)

Drag, drag, draaaag, man.

PSA:

2007-06-14T16:40:42Z

If you disobey, they will take away yr iPods.

fnord.

Who'd-a thunk it? ...that was a joke, people.

2007-05-06T00:00:13Z

English Genius

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

This test tracked 4 variables. How the score compared to the other people's:

Higher than 63% on Beginner

Higher than 13% on Intermediate

Higher than 76% on Advanced

Higher than 94% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

I used to love this piece...still do.

2007-04-15T08:56:40Z

Stanyan Street
Rod McKuen

You lie bent up in embryo sleep
below the painting of the blue fisherman
without a pillow
The checkered cover kicked and tangled on the floor
the old house creaking now
a car going by
the wind
a fire engine up the hill

I've disentangled myself from you
moved silently,
groping in the dark for cigarettes,
still elated
still afraid
I sit across the room watching you-
the light from the street lamp coming through the shutters
hysterical patterns flash on the wall sometimes
when a car goes by
otherwise there is no change
Not in the way you lie curled up
Not in the sounds that never come from you
Not in the discontent I feel

You've filled completely
this first November day
with Sausalito and sign language
canoe and coffee
ice-cream and your wide eyes.

And now unable to sleep
because the day is finally going home
because your sleep has locked me out
I watch you and wonder at you.

I know your face by touch when it's dark
I know the profile of your sleeping face
the sound of you sleeping.

Sometimes I think you are all sound
kicking free of covers
and adjusting shutters
moving about in the bathroom
taking twenty minutes of our precious time

I know the hills
and the gullys of your body
the curves
the turns.

I have total recall of you
and Stanyan Street
because I know it will be important later.

It's quiet now
Only the clock
moving towards rejection tomorrow
breaks the stillness.

Just like...

2007-04-13T23:53:09Z

Old viral site from the 90's by my friend Al Harding (of Lounge X fame):

2007-02-23T01:44:58Z

Invalid video URL.

weiner tea for you and me! :)

And here's the original site:
http://www.weiner-tea.com/weinertea.html

It is time...

2007-02-21T23:46:17Z

that you people know the "truth."

Lars Berenroth Deep House Set

2007-02-06T02:53:51Z

http://deepershades.net/audio/dsoh169I_1114_LB.mp3

Fun with Kent's Handwriting Tablet...

2007-01-28T01:19:01Z

EDM Community

2006-12-06T10:50:50Z

Chk this shit out:

http://community.livejournal.com/edm_mixes/

Anyone can join, anyone can post. Pls chk the rules on the usrinfo before posting.
thx.

navkat @ 2006-12-04T18:03:00

2006-12-05T02:03:33Z

http://www.robogoat.com/nrjizer/Tom_d--November_Promo_djtomd@gmail.com.mp3

w0rd.

2006-10-06T22:59:43Z

My constant neurosis and paranoia is sucking every last bit of life and colour from stuff lately. I spend days at a time alternating back and forth between wishes/hopes and bitterly contrived ambivalence.

Sometimes love means doing something difficult and selfless because it's healthier for them...even if it's not what they specifically asked for.

for all time

2006-07-04T07:16:11Z

How did we get here?
I just can't make myself believe that the most innocent pumkin seeds could have grown
such a wicked, wicked vine

Chokes out everything
squeezes out the sunlight.

This was fertile ground- we used to laugh so much at the feel
of soil between our toes.
There was so much of it everywhere.

Nothing grows here now
and I am burried in grief.

(for Jay 02JUL06)

"Flashlights and explosions..."

2006-04-20T19:10:47Z

Sometimes it gets so big, i can't even breathe.
This is going to destroy everything I've ever known.

Mardi Gras mish-mosh

2006-02-26T02:52:04Z

Took Alex to the Mystics of Time parade tonite.
Let me describe what that was like:
It was pouring, cold and the kids had barely eaten any dinner so they were hungry and whiney. (I wound up standing on line at Checkers for 10 minutes in the rain to buy them some french fries).
I got thwacked in the melon with a box of moon pies and a cluster of big beads- you know, the big-honkin heavy ones?
Alex, who was wearing mittens, was standing on the barricade and promptly slipped off and fell into a puddle.
A lady hit me with her umbrella in an attempt to grab out of my reach, a stuffed animal someone had thrown for T-.

BUT

After the kids got their fries, they felt much better and once the parade started, everyone was in better spirits.
The rain drove a large portion of the crowd home early so the kids wound up with a TON of loot.
We have enough moon pies in this house to bribe the kids into good behaviour for two months.
I managed to catch one of the coveted stuffed animals for each of the three kids so they're thrilled to the gills.
Upon falling in the puddle, Alex grabbed a glow-stick necklace off the ground that no one else saw, which made him delerious with glee...

in short, we had a blast.

And I have been officially christened a Mobilian by Ninny, who is herself,from old-Mobile family, because anyone, she said, who can hack a mardi-gras parade with three kids in this weather, deserves the title.

That rocks.

Thus Spake Welbutrin

2006-01-23T21:09:01Z

I usually hate who I become when I am in a relationship with a man.
For the most part, when I'm by myself, I am a smart, witty, capable woman who is resourceful and rational.
When I'm with a man, I become a snivelling, weak-minded, whiny brat who couldn't find her own ass with a fucking map -OR- I turn into controlling, arrogant, (still bratty) know-it-all, mega-bitch who basically treats the poor fellow like he couldn't find his ass properly without my instruction.
I have no idea why I must go to such extremes. I do notice however, that I tend to "pigeonhole" my relationships into one of these categories fairly early on. It's almost like I'm asking for it.
For once, I'm really too irritated/bored/tired to want to do either right now- it's just too much work to play either the mildly-retarded bleeding heart OR a fucking Recruit Division Commander.

I'm tired.
I'm bored.

On kindness and godless morality: The only problem is, we live in a society that needs increasingly less sleep. You follow?
As a matter of fact, selfish behaviour is becoming more and more palettable to the stomach and soul.
re: metamorphosis: Children are notorious for posession of a poorly developed Id.
Not that the dragon makes any sense anymore either, he's just a fucking policeman.

If you want me to swallow it, you'd better put it in a fucking sippy-cup.

the impressionist.

2006-01-17T17:52:10Z

Magic, magic, magic!

I'm ready for van gogh to send me a rather oddly shaped package; insured, return-receipt, delivery confirmation times three.
(Vinny always did have a thing for my blue moons, babe.)

Last night, I swept dust out of the corners; you just didn't see it happen.
(or maybe you did, you never looked up from your crossword so I couldn't tell)
All this time, it's been a series of strategically-placed potted plants and tawdry drapery in a ruse of candlelight.

I wrinkled my nose in a weak attempt to hold back a sneeze,
sometimes, I'd rather my head explode instead.

Well, whatever, it's clean now.

Small, family-owned company in TN solves broken crib hardware issue

2006-01-13T18:12:52Z

READ THIS IF YOU ARE HAVING ISSUES WITH FOREVER MINE CRIBS

Two years ago, as a baby shower gift, my mother bought my son a Maple hardwood crib from a company called "Forever Mine," who advertised their products in upscale mother-to-be magazines as being indestructible and having a lifetime warrantee. The product ordered cost over $350 and had to be shipped from Canada, bringing the total to well over $400.

The so-called plastic "hardware" that holds the drop side sliding gate onto the crib itself became worn and eventually crumbled into bits, creating both a choking hazard and a physically dangerous situation for my toddler.
Knowing that they guaranteed their high-priced furniture for life, I went ahead and tried to contact the company for replacement hardware.
I called their 1-800- number listed on the instruction manual. I was met with an operator recording that stated that the number is no longer in service. So I visited their website and found a number for their Tampa, FL showroom. This rang several times and finally, the line was just dropped.

I decided to google the company name to see if any other parent had a similar issue, and how they resolved it. I found this site: http://www.windsorpeak.com/babybargains/blog/B40737805/C32716913/
(read the comments section).

It appears as though (not unlike my marriage) "Forever" is a relative and subjective term and that the entire company, while their website is still taking orders, has flown the coop, leaving a lot of parents with their asses hanging in the breeze.
Not cool.

There is hope though; I found a company called Products America whose sole business is in replacing hardware and parts for baby furniture and items. Their website is:
http://www.productsamerica.com/
Their numbers are: (800)205-9642 or (800)772-1041 ( I suggest the first one, since the second is an answering service for after-hours use)
I spoke to their customer service/receptionist, a very competent and friendly lady who identified herself by name as Carolyn. After a few minutes on the phone, and some very specific, targeted questions from her, we figured out exactly what parts I need to replace. She then put my information into her computer and saved the part numbers so that I could have my mother call later and place the order at her leisure.

As a favor to this company for their outstanding service, and to help other parents who are having this problem, I have decided to create this entry for my LJ and include a lot of google-able search terms.
Good luck to anyone reading this for that purpose. Please leave me a comment if I've helped you.
-Jenn M.

Forever Mine Crib Baby Furniture broken parts, company unresponsive / out of business. All-American Crib - Honey ( Maple Hardwood 3 stage Convertible Crib )
Replacement parts.

the chemical on/off switch...

2005-12-24T17:04:26Z

one doesn't need to resort to illegal substance;
you can get the job done with nyquil and no-doze.

I need to peel myself off this nightmare and pull it together just long enough to plug the christmas lights into Alex's eyes.

Jay calls from the satellite phone and I don't have the heart to let on that I'm falling apart. Not at $3.25 a minute.

Maybe I'll use that Dillard's card from my AHnt.
Maybe I'll stop being an evil bitch and thank her.